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  1. I met Michael Jackson while working on a construction project. Dude was just like you'd imagine – super kind! He bought me and the crew lunch from this restaurant nearby and just had some small talk. When he left, I thought that was it, but all of a sudden he came back with this giant space ship – dude was an actual alien! Suddenly, everything about anything all made sense! Big Foot is real. Size does matter. And Hillary Clinton is the embodiment of evil. So I went home and decided being sober was just too much to handle.

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